The Nice Person’s Introduction to Rough Sex

The Nice Person’s Introduction to Rough Sex

You actively look for pregnant ladies to give your seat to on the bus. You always hold open doors for strangers. You help your friend lug a sofa across town and up five flights to their new apartment. You’re a nice person.

So when someone yells at you to slap them across the face in the middle of sex, you freeze. The nice side of you doesn’t want to hurt them, but the caretaker side of you feels like you should fulfill their request. And, if you’re really honest with yourself, there’s a little part of you that’s curious about what it would be like to actually slap someone.

What is rough sex, anyway?

Most people would describe rough sex as some combination of wild, animalistic, passionate, kinky, or raw. It’s not defined by one specific action, but can include things like one person being dominant, roleplaying, talking dirty, spanking, biting, scratching, or using props like restraints, paddles, or whips.

One way or another, rough sex is more intense than everyday sex. Clients in my sex therapy The Nice Person's Introduction to Rough Sex practice say that consensual rough sex is fun because it’s so intense. There’s a sense that you’re breaking the rules or doing something you shouldn’t be doing. That element of the taboo makes it all the more thrilling. Even if rough sex is not something you’ve naturally gravitated to in the past, exploring it in a safe and boundaried way with your partner can help you tap into a side of your sexuality that you never realized existed. It can be really fun to not have to be the nice person all the time.

Only try it if you want to

The great thing about consensual rough sex is that you can decide on the specific activities that sound appealing to you. There are no rules. Still, you should only have rough sex if you genuinely feel interested in or curious about it! A lot of people push themselves to engage in rough sex because they think they’re “supposed” to, or because a partner has requested it. Don’t even get me started on the stories I heard in my practice after 50 Shades Of Grey was released.

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Unfortunately, if you’re only doing it out of a sense of obligation, your partner will be able to tell pretty quickly. There’s nothing worse than being half-heartedly spanked. It might take a bit of practice to get good at being rough in the bedroom, but the important thing is to start with a genuine desire.

Be safe

It’s important to make sure both you and your partner are on board and excited about experimenting with rough sex. I suggest sending your partner this article, giving them some time to read it on their own, then having a conversation about the specific things you want to try together. You should also come up with a safeword that you can use if either one of you feels uncomfortable and wants to stop.

Sometimes I hear partners say, “I just want my partner to be rough. I don’t want to have to talk about it.” I get the appeal, but that’s just not the way sex works. You both have to be willing to discuss your desires and boundaries, and negotiate safety. These kinds of conversations don’t have to take all the fun out of sex, though! You can agree to play around with spanking, for example, but still have your partner surprise you with a spank in the moment.

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